بِسْمِ اللَّـهِ الرَّحْمَـٰنِ الرَّحِيمِ
The first year of marriage is always the hardest. That is what they all say and it's true for the majority of us.
Mainly because for the first part of our lives we have been nurtured in an already made home in which our parents have struggled to build from scratch, and we as children have always known it to be there by default. Our parents built for us the environment we learned to grow in until we eventually 'grew out of it', expanding and itching to explore outside the comforts of our parent's abode. So now you get married and after the fleeting moments of excitement of all the new experiences to come, it hits you quite hard that a home needs to be built from scratch and with that comes struggle, trials and tests that will define the foundations of your home and your marriage. In these situations, it is important that we strengthen our relationship with Allaah and equip ourselves with knowledge of Him and His decree. Here are a few points of benefit that inshAllaah are a reminder, first and foremost, to myself:
Love and marriage for the sake of Allaah
Remember why you got married in the first place and keep your intentions sincerely for the sake of Allaah. You are both there to build a home that worships Allaah and keep each other striving for the akhirah. Whenever you dispute, return it back to the Qur'aan and Sunnah upon the understanding of the Salaf-us-Saalih, and submit yourselves to that and seek the reward from Allaah, subhana wa talaa.
Put the egos aside
This is a hard one but one that is such a common mistake amongst many couples. It is so easy to get consumed by your nafs when you are or believe you are getting wronged. Everything in your soul tells you to repel that which has wronged you but it shows great character and wisdom to be the bigger person and let it go. Allaah, subhan wa talaa said:
وَجَزَاءُ سَيِّئَةٍ سَيِّئَةٌ مِّثْلُهَا ۖ فَمَنْ عَفَا وَأَصْلَحَ فَأَجْرُهُ عَلَى اللَّـهِ ۚ إِنَّهُ لَا يُحِبُّ الظَّالِمِينَ
The recompense for an evil is an evil like thereof, but whoever forgives and makes reconciliation, his reward is due from Allaah. Verily, He likes not the Zalimun (oppressors, polytheists, and wrong-doers, etc.). [Al-Shura 42:40]
Always remember Shaitan's biggest achievement
Jabir reported that Allaah's Messenger (ﷺ) said:
Iblis places his throne upon water; he then sends detachments (for creating dissension); the nearer to him in rank are those who are most notorious in creating dissension. One of them comes and says: I did so and so. And he says: You have done nothing. Then one amongst them comes and says: I did not spare so and so until I sowed the seed of discord between a husband and a wife. The Satan goes near him and says: 'You have done well.' A'mash said: He then embraces him.
You do not want to aid the Shaitan in this so fight him. Remember the Shaitan never stops and he will be patient and spend years and years in trying to dismantle your home through smaller and what seem insignificant acts of disobedience until he reaches his goal, so seek refuge in Allaah from him and be aware of his plots and plans and remember that Allaah is the best of planners.
Patience Patience Patience
If Shaitan is patient and relentless in destroying your home, you must try and put the same effort in building a stronger home and unshakeable relationship by working hard on your acts of worship towards Allaah. Always remember Allaah when in hardship and trailing moments in your relationship ; understand where those trials come from and forget about the hurtful and distressing exterior of those trials. Look deeper and know that they are all from Allaah and that for a believer there is blessing and goodness in all situations.
The Prophet (ﷺ) said:
Ibn Taymiyyah (May Allaah have mercy upon him) sums this up beautifully in his book; 'A Principle Concerning Patience and Gratitude.' He says that one of the ways that aids the servant in being patient with the decree of Allaah is that:
"How amazing is the affair of the believer, All of his affair is amazing. Allaah does not ordain an affair for him except that it is good for him. If something pleasing comes to him, he is grateful and that is better for him. And If something harmful afflicts him, he shows patience and that is better for him." [Muslim 2999]
He witnesses that Allaah (Exalted be he) is the Creator of the actions of the servants, their movements, their moments of rest and their desires. Thus, whatever Allaah wills occurs and whatever He does not will does not occur. And hence, no atom moves in the higher or lower part of the universe except with His permission and will. The servants are and instrument therefore, so look at the One who unleashed them upon you and not at their action towards you and you will be relieved of any concern and anxiety.
Again these are all reminders to myself but inshAllaah you will find benefit from them whether directly or indirectly related to your situation, and all praise is due to Allaah.
Umm Summayah .
Oh, and below is the book by Ibn Taymiyyah that I quoted and a lecture of it by the translator of the book, Abu Iyaad, as well as another beneficial lecture inshAllaah.
- A Principle Concerning Patience and Gratitude by Shaykh ul-Islaam Ibn Taymiyyah, translated by Abu Iyaad Amjad Rafiq